The He-Man Reboot Is Going To Be Awful

4 Apr

In a continued effort to capitalize on treasured childhood memories, Hollywood is making a He-Man movie (currently titled Masters of the Universe). While the script hasn’t been finalized, director, John Chu, has explicitly stated that it won’t be “campy,” which is incredibly perplexing because everything about the Masters of the Universe realm is campy and over-the-top:

— He-Man has “fabulous secret powers” and dresses like an Aryan go-godancer. Even if you get rid of the page-boy haircut and update his outfit, his name is still He-Man.

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–Inevitably, at some point in the film, he is going to have to hold a giant sword and yell, “by the power of Grayskull.” Which isn’t dramatic or theatrical at all!

 HE RIDES A TIGER! heman-final-03

Never mind that the tiger is green, talks, and acquires crazy kabuki armor when it transforms into a battle-cat. The point is- you can’t dial this shit down!

Even the choice of John Chu as a director seems to imply that Masters of the Universe was intended to be a flashy campy masterpiece. Most of his credits are dance films. He was the one that brought us the magic that was Step-Up 2 and Step-Up 3D (all the Step-Up movies run together, but I’m pretty sure they all follow the same premise/storyline: A RICH GIRL LEARNS TO LOVE A POOR THROUGH THE POWER OF DANCE!).

Chu believes in two things: casting beautiful muscly men and epic dance numbers.

Play to your strengths, man!

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A “serious” take on He-Man and friends means the writers are currently going through the beloved franchise and throwing out “all the things that don’t work– which is most of it.

Ugh– what is the point of making a Masters of the Universe movie if people aren’t riding tigers and dramatically shouting things into the sky?!

Also, it probably means that most of the characters are probably going to be cut from the movie (I’m looking at you, Fisto).

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…and she BETTER be riding a winged unicorn!

If you strip He-Man of everything that is strange or over-the-top, all you have left is a super buff white guy with crazy cosmic powers and adorably outdated speech (who is probably NOT riding a tiger).

The thing about that is- that movie has already been made

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(‘Clash of the Titans’, ‘Immortals’, ‘Conan the Barbarian’, or ‘Prince of Persia’ could have also been used as examples.)

A Masters of the Universe reboot that isn’t campy is an opportunity missed. A serious interpretation of He-Man seems senseless when the franchise lends itself so perfectly to camp and flashy drama.

You might as well embrace the ridiculousness of it all.

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click on the picture to see He-Man jam out to 4 Non-Blonde’s magnum opus “What’s Up?” Do it!

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