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what you are about to watch is a nightmare

24 Oct

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I know kung-fu…

24 Oct

punch stuff until it blows upYou guys, here is how to make friends and it works at any age (even when your 29 and it’s freaking hard): speak unabashedly and enthusiastically about things that interest and excite you and create a safe place for people to do the same. And start doing it early in the conversation– like almost inappropriately early.

Who cares about where they work or what their name is.

Figure out what really excites them as quickly as possible and then proceed to enjoy your totally awesome conversation with your new best friend.

Make a connection!

You can figure out their name later.

That’s how I found MY new best friend (I think his name is Matt).

We bonded over kung-fu and punching (as long as it is for a righteous cause).

Later, he sent me THE BEST email in the history of life which began thusly:

“Heyo! Your set tonight was unreal, and you are the best person. Here are some movies in which people express their emotions via punching.”

BOOM! THIS IS HOW FRIENDSHIPS ARE FORGED, PEOPLE!

What followed was a list of movies introducing me to the wonderful world of “emotional punching”: Ong- Bak 1 &2ChocolateThe ProtectorShaolin Soccer

If you look at the movie summaries, they are all kind of similar. They all share many of the same key words and phrases: “dutiful son”, “betrayal”, “left for dead”, “corrupt official”, “crime syndicate”, and “to avenge his father’s death.”

I had a kung-fu marathon shortly after– and I quickly realized, kung-fu is freaking awesome.

So are muay thai and boxing.

You know what else is awesome?

Gingerly leaping from tree branch to tree branch in order to chase down (and eventually beat down) the crime lord who killed your parents.

And after a week of watching movies like Ong-Bak and Chocolate, I don’t know if I can go back to watching movies where a child DOESN’T fight (and kill) a crocodile in the first 10 minutes of the movie.

(NOTE: I should clarify: in real life, fighting does not interest me and guns terrify me. In movies, however, the hero needs to be punching people with his righteous fists and carrying the biggest gun possible. HE’S FIGHTING EVIL! It’s irresponsible for him to do anything less.)

After my marathon, I definitely learned some things:

  1. If you say, “I am a GOD” and you are not a god, you will definitely be killed. Probably by a God.
  2. Anyone who beats up on someone’s mom is going to die by the end of the film. Hard.
  3. Wire-work/CGI is for losers. Do backflips across a river of lava using your muscles and willpower– OR DON’T DO IT AT ALL!
  4. Do a bunch of parkour on a herd of stampeding elephants. Not only will those around you recognize your oneness with nature, you are now the elephant king!
  5. You are a fool if you think autism would prevent you from being a muay thai master. A FOOL!
  6. Children who kill crocodiles with their bare hands will grow up to break up slavery rings and fight corrupt kings.

So, yeah– I like kung-fu and Matt is my friend now.

And it all happened because I asked someone I just met, “What are your thoughts on violence?”

Stuff That Happened. Also, I’m back!

10 Oct


stuff that happened bird

IN WHICH I FIND COOL STUFF ON THE INTERNET SO YOU DON’T HAVE TO! 

A collection of kickass stuff I find on the internet.

Cool Stuff // And Also… // Articles // Videos // Trailers & TV/Movie News

DI Cool Stuff BarJONATHAN FRANZEN LEARNS TO SMILE!!!!! ~ Jonathan Franzen is the novelist who wrote The Corrections and Freedom. Additionally, because of several essays detailing his disdain for twittere-books, and the modern world— he’s also revealed himself to be a huge grumpy-bus. So it was surprising/refreshing to read an interview Franzen conducted in which he’s actually HAPPY about something. Franzen finds his German equivalent and they talk about how everyone is stupid but them. Whatever makes you happy you adorable little curmudgeon! [Salon]

HARRIET TUBMAN KNEW HOW TO TAKE CARE OF ROWDY KIDS! ~ Drug them! How else will they stay quiet?! (NOTE: My mom used the same method when she had to take us on long car rides.) [Mental Floss]

DI other stuff bar– “wicked chivalrous!” a cartoon by Kate Beaton [Hark! A Vagrant!]

– A chart that diagrams how the brilliant minds and geniuses of our time spent their day. (NOTE: There is no information on how much time each of them spent blogging) [Mic]

– “Anti-Oppressive Baby Animals” combines social justice with adorable animals. Is it oversimplifying complex issues? Maybe. BUT LOOK AT THEIR FUZZY WUZZY FACES! [Anti-Oppressive Baby Animals]

– “10 Female Gangsters”… just in case you want to know about women who are also criminals [Mental Floss]

– Lea DeLaria plays Boo on the series Orange is the New Black. In these two pics, she just plays an adorable person. [Tumblr]

– Amazing picture of Florida at night taken from the International Space Station [imgur]

DI articles barThe Scourge of “Relatability” (Rebecca Mead // The New Yorker)

Poet Patricia Lockwood Dreams of Roasted Pturkeydactyls (Sierra Tishgart // The New Yorker)

Not Just Another Wednesday Night (Erin Judge // So Make It Up)

DI videos bar– Sita Sings the Blues is a full length movie on Hulu (though enterprising folk could probably find it elsewhere) that is an animated/musical take on The Ramayana, an ancient Indian epic detailing the trials and (mostly) tribulations of Rama and Sita. [Hulu]

– In honor of The Simpsons marathon that happened, here is one of my favorite clips ever (“TRAMAMPOLINE TRAMBOPOLINE”) [Tumblr]

 

AWKWARD BABY BIRDS!

26 Apr

I present to you, AWKWARD BABY BIRDS!

This isn’t just another list of cute birds.

This post required actual research (take note Buzzfeed).

I don’t know anything about birds, so identifying birds is a nightmare.

Plus most times, when you see a picture of a bird on the internet, the caption just reads “CUUUuuuuUUuTE!” which is NOT helpful if you are trying to figure out the species.

Enjoy (This list was a pain to assemble).

 

Baby Potoo! (Baby “Nyctibius griseus”)

Picture taken by Pascal Dubois. http://pdubois.free.fr

Picture taken by Pascal Dubois. http://pdubois.free.fr

This guy lives in Central/South America and will only grow up to look weirder.

 

Baby Great Egret! (Baby “Ardea alba”)

Photo from Animal Planet

Photo from Animal Planet

Here’s another picture of a baby great egret.

During my search for birds, I learned that egrets are a type of heron. I also found that ALL baby herons are awkward. All of them: Baby Night Heron, Baby Green Herons, and Baby Tri-Colored Heron (with poop on his head) to name a few.

 

Baby Black Browed Albatross (Baby “Thalassarche melanophrys“)

baby albatross

Photo from Steve Bloom Images

If you search for “Baby Albatross”, all the pictures are adorable and awkward (here’s one of a baby albatross that barfed all over himself). This is basically a fantastic “before and after” picture. This scraggly little chick is going to become a beautifully flawless bird.

 

Baby Little Bittern (Baby “Ixobrychus minutus”)

Photo by Alex Lavashkin.

Photo by Alex Lavashkin.

 

Baby Sandhill Crane (Baby “Grus canadensis”)

baby sandhill crane

Photo by Scott Helfrich (this photo was one of the winners in the 2012 National Wildlife Photo Contest)

AArgh. He’s so cute. This little guy was the inspiration for the whole post. He’s my favorite little bird. Here are more pictures if you don’t believe me (how dare you). Running birds!, baby bird with dad, free ride.

Winter: A Pointless Regional Survey (aka: Go home, winter!)

5 Mar

Recently, I moved from Greensboro, NC to Boston.

By “recently”, I mean that my lease started in January- which meant I moved just in time to experience Boston’s first cold snap (and the fourteen other subsequent cold snaps).

With all the insane winter storms Massachusetts has been hit with, I’ve gotten a number of texts from people outside of Boston telling me to, “Stay safe!” and that they “hope I’m okay!” which makes me think all of my friends picture me wandering outside in the winter snow, lost and confused.

I’m FINE! I have access to shelter, you guys!

(Also, I live within walking distance of a crepe shop. Life is pretty good.)

It’s different though. Having spent the last eight years in North Carolina, this weather is confusing and disorienting.

Once I came home, and there was a pillar of ice 8″ thick on the ground in front of my door. I naively wondered where it came from until I realized- IT CAME FROM THE SKY. Above me were icicles hanging off the roof the size of me. People in Boston don’t immediately understand why I’m half hysterical when I tell this story. It’s insane because in Greensboro, when there WERE icicles– THEY WERE ADORABLE! They accented the house. It was as if someone bought a string of them at K-Mart. Also, they weren’t able to kill me.

Bostonians are completely blasé about snow. There has been a “snow emergency” at least once a week for the past four weeks- but there seems to be absolutely no sense of urgency attached to the announcement. Other than the schools closing, it’s really just to let everyone know that they have to move their car.01 move asshole

01 everything is on fire

I’ve watched North Carolina deal with this winter from afar and the result hasn’t been surprising. North Carolina is the only place where it can snow and suddenly EVERYTHING IS ON FIRE. When it snowed in Greensboro, it was a cause for celebration. An inch of snow could bring the city to grinding halt. Kids would get school off and you would get an excuse to miss work (and the bars would remain open and be within walking distance).

Meanwhile, Boston has been under a perpetual foot of snow and everything has been fine. We have had some “warm” days, so it’s starting to melt (which basically means everything is either ice or a deep puddle of freezing sludge. Nothing in between).

This weather has been intense. While the Bostonians I have met are unfazed by everything happening around them, they are instantly apologetic once they hear I just moved here.

This is a conversation I’ve had several times:

ME: I’m from North Carolina, so this weather is… different.

THEM: Yeah, I’m sorry- it isn’t usually this bad.

ME: I forgive you.